the spring of wintertide
by Rapis-Razuri
Summary: Apprehension for the future and longing for the past made for turbulent thoughts on a sleepless night. The Goddess Tower was as good a place for reflection as any. Byleth is not alone in thinking this. [Azure Moon. F!Byleth/Dimitri]


"A certain darkness is needed to see the stars."_  
― _Osho, _The Book of Secrets_

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She couldn't sleep.

She came to this verdict well over an hour ago. Stubbornness had kept her where she was, tossing and turning, but she had to admit when defeat was a defeat. Sleep always evaded her when her thoughts were churning like a stormy day. When will she _learn?_

Rolling out of bed, Byleth slipped on her shoes and grabbed her cloak to do what she always did when she could not sleep.

The night was deceptively calm for the anxiety looming just beyond the horizon. One would never guess they would be setting out for Enbarr on the morrow. Then again, that may be precisely the reason for this serenity. One way or another, they soon wouldn't have to fight anymore, because the war has ended - or through the release of death.

Such were the nature of her thoughts as she wandered the halls that has become so dear to her. As always, the cathedral was her intended destination when she needed a place to think, but tonight she took a longer route than usual, passing through the courtyard outside the classrooms where she once taught.

They were empty now, of course, but seeing the banners of the three houses made her think about the future. Not of the upcoming march or even of Dimitri's plans to treat with his stepsister, but of what would happen _after_. Would the Golden Deer house be dissolved now that the Leicester Alliance was no more? It didn't seem right to her, for three to become two, no matter what Claude had said about putting the Kingdom and the Alliance back together. And if Dimitri and Edelgard cannot come to a concordance, if there truly was no way for the Empire and the Kingdom to co-exist…

Byleth had no intention of letting the Kingdom to be the one to fall if worse comes to worse, but she nonetheless found herself picturing an Imperial soldier tearing down the azure colors of the Blue Lions and replacing it with the crimson of the Black Eagles. Immediately, she wanted to run her sword through this nameless, faceless, and entirely imaginary person for desecrating the place she'd loved so much.

Reigning in her imagination, Byleth rubbed her temple. This was an entirely selfish attachment, she'll admit. The year spent teaching at Garreg Mach was equally the most precious and the most painful of her life, but even the painful memories were ones she cherished.

When they saved Lady Rhea, perhaps she would return to being a professor if the Officer's Academy were to be restored again. She doubted any future class of hers would be able to compare to the first, considering the extraordinary circumstances and the intricate strands of fate woven around the three house leaders of that year, but she'd enjoyed her time as a teacher. She wouldn't mind spending the rest of her days as one.

On a more practical note, Fódlan was at the cusp of change. It wouldn't be quick and it wouldn't be easy, not after such a world-shattering war of this magnitude. The people would need the guidance of their faith more than ever, but eventually there were dreams and ideals she wanted to help realize. Where better to start than in the minds and hearts of the next generation?

Pleased with the conclusion she had drawn, Byleth decided to indulge her next whim: changing course from the cathedral to the Goddess Tower.

There was technically no reason for the tower to be forbidden grounds anymore, but she supposed after years of being considered off-limits to all but a few during all but a single night, there wasn't much reason for the Tower to be the first place to come to mind when there were plenty of other places to rendezvous in the monastery.

For most people, anyway.

"...If talking to her can spare even a single life, I will do it."

_Dimitri. _

"Please understand. I love you. I will always love you, but I have turned my back on the living long enough. I must think of the future now."

Well… This was slightly awkward. She knew Dimitri still had periods of melancholia - she'd often coaxed him out of those herself - but not that he was still being haunted by the ghosts of the dead. This realization hit her with a pang of failure. She should have noticed…

"You think I don't know that?" Byleth startled at how suddenly he'd raised his voice - and how quickly he went from level entreatment to raw anguish. "I know what she deserves! Perhaps I have no right to hope, bloodstained as I am, but-"

…And that was that. Listening to Dimitri desparge himself like this was not something she could bear to do in silence, not anymore. Not when he was finally trying to build bridges instead of burning them. Finally putting aside his rage and hatred, putting aside years of history and pain to find a way to fix something that is broken.

Making no effort of moderate the sound of her footsteps, Byleth climbed up the stairs as quickly as she could. The shocked expression of her former student meant there was no point in trying to pretend she hadn't overheard him speaking to the dead either.

For the duration of a single breath, they simply stared at each other in the light of the moon. She recalled the last time the two of them had been here in the Tower: that fateful day on the Ethereal Moon of 1185.

She wondered if he was thinking the same.

Dimitri cleared his throat. "Good evening, Professor..."

"Good evening, Dimitri," she replied. "Are you okay? I heard… shouting."

"It's hard to say," he admitted. "The dead… They still cry out, still want their due. They don't wish to be forgotten and so they rage at me for abandoning them."

"Have you?" she challenged. Not Dimitri, but the ghosts whispering in his ears. "You've decided to honor them by taking responsibility for the Kingdom they have left to you have you not?"

A sigh. "I told you the other day of how I can barely remember anything of my stepmother save her forlorn gaze, hadn't I? How long will it be before I forget all but a single thing about Father? About Glenn? Lord Rodrigue? The way they smiled, the way they scolded me… For the longest time, my desire to avenge them was how I kept them close and now that I've let my hatred go..."

Byleth thought of her father. She could remember him very clearly, but to her it's been only a year. In a way, it meant the wound was fresher, but so were her memories of his sardonic quips, his dry laughter, and over a century's worth of wrinkles around his eyes. Eventually… the falling sands of time will take those from her too, one year at a time.

"It's true," she agreed sadly. "Clinging to hate won't help you remember and atonement won't keep you from forgetting."

He turned his face away so she could only see the black eyepatch where his right eye used to be. "So there is no answer to this dilemma. It's just… how it is."

"I did not say that," Byleth corrected gently. "Your memories will fade no matter what, but it doesn't mean you will forget what they mean to you or what you feel for them will too. In that sense, they'll keep living on. In the hearts of the living."

It sounded rather lacking, even to her. If Dimitri thought so too, he didn't say. "I would appreciate it if you didn't mention that to anyone, Professor. There's no need to trouble anyone else with this."

_If they knew, they'd want to help you, _she thought even as she nodded her agreement, despite knowing he wouldn't be able to see. _Not because you're their king, but because you're their friend._ "Is that why you're up here?" she questioned, "To pacify the dead?"

Dimitri shook his head. "Not quite. I simply had the urge to reminisce. They joined me later."

How unexpected. "Reminisce of what?"

"Of the ball five years ago. Do you remember that night?"

Even more unexpected. She did remember, but how on Fódlan did that lead to him to start shouting at ghosts? She could ask, but perhaps what he needed from her now was to humor him in this rare moment of sentimentality. His madness wasn't the sum of who he was and she refused to hand anyone, may they be real or imaginary, any kind of power over him.

And honestly... it would be nice to share memories of better days with him for a change instead of discussing warfare, logistics, or conspiracy. She recalled a number of things from the night of the ball, but, perhaps because of where they were, one in particular stood out in her mind: _Perhaps it would make more sense for me to wish that we'll be together forever. _

"Hm…" Byleth crossed her arms and leaned forward as she broke into an impish grin so he would know her next words were meant to be playful. "I seem to recall having my feelings rather cruelly toyed with by a rather thoughtless student of mine. I wonder if he's gotten any better at the art of joke telling since then."

Watching his cheeks redden was a bitter salve, a little moment where she could see the Dimitri of five years ago surface in the older, wearier, _darker_ man he's become. "Please, Professor," he groaned, abashed, "Don't tease me like that."

Her smile fell. "I'm sorry," she said, "Things have changed. I shouldn't have tried to pretend they haven't. I guess I just got a little nostalgic. "

Dimitri shook his head. "Don't apologize. Nostalgia used to be too painful an indulgence for me," he admitted, staring out into the night sky, "But now… I see how those first months with you were the happiest I've been since Duscur. A part of me wishes I could turn back the hands of time and let those days go on forever. I said I will look towards the future, I know that. I have no intention of breaking that promise, but sometimes… sometimes happiness from the past calls out to me and I fear if I allow myself to look back, I may lose my way again."

She thought of the house banners. Time may have passed differently for her than it did for him, but the past has come and gone just the same. All they had now was the future.

So it was partly for her own sake that Byleth reached out and grabbed his hand. If she held him tightly enough, would things be able to stay as they were? "Dimitri, listen to me."

He turned his head slightly so she could see his remaining eye. For some reason, Byleth found herself unable to meet it even as she spoke.

"You are stronger than you give yourself credit for," she told him. "You say I guided you back to the light, but I was only able to do so because you never truly stopped trying to find your way back to it, because no matter how tightly the darkness took hold of you, you've always _wanted_ to return to us. So… don't be afraid of losing your way again because if you do, I'm sure this-" She raised her other hand and laid it on the plate of armor over his heart. "-will always lead you back, one way or another." _Because you're the kind of person who would wish for a world where no one has to suffer the pain of unjustly losing their loved ones as you did. Because you're the kind of person who wants to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Because you love so deeply and empathize so easily that even your worst self is born from the corruption of something pure._

"You said it yourself. Following your heart and doing the right thing is the only way for you to atone for your sins."

"Professor…" When she looked up at him, there was something warm about the way he was gazing at her. "You truly perplex me at times. You have no ties to Faerghus, no obligation to stand with me as you have and yet… No one would have blamed you if you'd abandoned me for your own sake."

"Your enemies are my enemies," she replied firmly, thinking about the words that touched her so profoundly a lifetime ago. Before Lord Rodrigue's sacrifice, before she _finally_ managed to reach him that rainy night, she'd dreaded the possibility that one day, Dimitri would do something from which there was no return.

If he had… in her heart of hearts, she knew that if that terrible day were ever to come, it wouldn't have changed what she felt, what she intended to do. They used to call her the Ashen Demon, after all. If she could not rein in his manic desires for revenge, if her words were to forever fall on deaf ears, if becoming a demon again was the only way to stay by his side… then so be it.

"No matter what happens or what anyone may say, I plan to stand by you, Dimitri. Through anything. Whatever awaits at the end of this road, we'll face it together."

"Yes…" He absently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, lingering a moment longer on her ring finger. "Together."

That faraway look in his eye, the way he trailed off in his thought… Where did his ghosts drag him, she wondered. Nine years, five years… So much pain and suffering and betrayals in his past.

As for the future… Who could possibly know?

"Dimitri?" Byleth prompted and she saw his single eye briefly flicker lower on her face before it focused on the present. Still, she smiled encouragingly. "Try not to doubt yourself too much, okay? But if you must, come talk to me. Or Dedue. Or Gilbert. Any of our friends, really. We're here for you and we'll help you figure it out."

There was a soft breath of laughter as Dimitri closed his eye and smiled_. _"I spend hours fighting a losing battle against foes only I can see. Then you come along, interrupt with few minutes of conversation and suddenly I feel like I'm standing at the apex of the world. How do you do it?"

"I don't know," she replied solemnly, despite the joy of knowing she _could_ make him feel that way. He may not believe he deserved to be happy, but his happiness was what she wanted more than anything. "I just wish I could stop your loved ones from haunting you so."

"That is my burden to carry, Professor, no one else's." Dimitri lifted their conjoined hands and for a second, she was taken aback by how small hers seemed to be when compared to his. "But you… you make me strong enough to do it and that is enough. That is _more_ than enough. Thank you."

Then he lowered his head and brought her hand up to his lips.

In couldn't have lasted more than an instant, but she could swear that time had been paused. It might have. She might have used the power she'd inherited from a goddess just to prolong this occasion for a little longer.

She was not sure _when_ her feelings for Dimitri had crossed the line from the simple fondness a teacher harbored for her favorite student (not that she was supposed to have favorites in the first place) to… something else. Something messy and chaotic and _complicated_ that shifted the paradigm of her entire world.

But she never once considered acting on those emotions, of telling him _exactly_ what it is that he meant to her. By the time she'd put her finger on the exact nature of those feelings, he had not been in a state to accept them, whether they were requited or not, and now… What was stopping her _now?_ The worry that it would somehow taint the bond they already had? Certainly something that crossed her mind with how it had seemed so fragile just a few months before.

Somehow this gesture, something straight out of a tale of chivalry Ingrid and Ashe loved so much, that made her think that maybe… _maybe _she had no reason to fear the worst.

That was when Dimitri straightened his back and with what seemed to be great reluctance, let go of her hand. In response, Byleth took a step back, not knowing which was more likely to consume her where she stood: the lingering burn of his kiss on her skin, or the phantom pulsations of a heart that did not beat.

If she could still hear Sothis speaking to her, there was no doubt in her mind that the progenitor goddess would have chided her for loving, for _continuing_ to love, a man as dangerous as Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd once she's seen the beast beneath the princely polish.

Byleth may really just be a fool at heart, then. She couldn't ever _hate_ any face of his, no matter how monsterous it was, how much it may scare or sadden her… It was still Dimitri in the end. That mattered more to her than anything else.

Perhaps they really were the same after all, him and her. Willing to do things they once never would have considered, to stain their hands red with blood, all in the name of love.

"It's… late," she said as she began to turn away, not knowing if she could trust herself to be alone with him for another minute. "I think I will return to my quarters now, if you would excuse me."

"_Byleth_."

The use of her name stopped her more effectively than any kind of physical contact could have achieved. Rarely did anyone refer to her by her name, least of all someone who used to be a student. "Yes?"

"I…" She was very familiar with that expression of self-conflict on his face, enough for her to recognize it for what it was when she saw it. But in the end, all he said to her was, "Sleep well, Professor."

There was a tiny stab of disappointment that she was "Professor" to him again, but mostly she wondered what the alternative statement had been.

"You too," she responded automatically as though nothing was amiss. "Tomorrow is an early morning, so take a break and rest tonight instead of staying up late again, okay?" Nevermind recklessly charging head-first into battle. She was more concerned about him working himself to an early grave these days.

He snorted. "Sleep is still unlikely to find me," he replied with a touch of bitterness, "But I'll try. You have my word."

That was all she could ask for wasn't it? Headaches and nightmares… He's been having them long before they met. Once, he would have told her it was pointless to even try, but if he said would…

What was the saying again? _A knight of Faerghus never goes back on his word. _However disillusioned he had become of the ideals he once embodied, Dimitri was, if nothing else, a man of his word.

Byleth smiled softly as she bid him goodnight. Sometimes it was just not possible to keep her affections for him at bay.

She was still half in a dreamy daze when she returned to her quarters, leaning against her closed door, thoroughly happy and the tempest of her thoughts lulled into a drizzle.

Sothis surely would have had a plethora of things to say about the way Byleth had been acting. _Aren't you supposed to be a battle-hardened mercenary? Yet there you were, mooning over some _boy_ like a hopeless schoolgirl! _

Yes, Byleth supposed she had been, but she couldn't bring herself to be embarrassed by it. The sun had set on the peaceful days where they had been student and professor, but it did not mean the dawn would never rise again.

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Wasn't watching my step, so I tripped and fell into Dimileth hell ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Two sources of inspiration: A poem from _The Truth About Magic_ by Atticus and Serah's Theme from _Final Fantasy XIII. _

I was super nervous about posting/writing this fic (or any kind of Byleth/Dimitri, really) because honestly? I have _never_ written for a popular ship before (or at least for ships that get a lot of fanwork). It was super intimidating, knowing any ideas I come up with has probably already been done by somebody else. Thankfully, a very good friend reminded me of the cake post.

That said, I am actually not yet finished with _Three Houses_ so please no spoilers from Crimson Flower and Silver Snow. Thank you 🙏


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